Lost in Expatriate Land: To Swill or Not to Swill

This is a comment to an author I will not name, but whose articles have been featured in The Atlantic.  I posted the comment on his blog but like my previous comments, I am sure it will be deleted. Shame on The Atlantic for publishing this shit on their website. This man doesn’t make films, make art, heal the sick or cook food. There is nothing revolutionary happening here. He just writes about twiddling his thumbs in the staff lounge. 

Hello Special American Snowflake. I see that you are still writing about teaching in Finland because you’re, like, the only American to ever step foot on that strange and ancient land. What is it with you people? You get out of bed and sniff your armpit and it’s “WOW, I’m gonnastarta blogaboutarmpits causemine’slikeawesome.” People like you, who expect awards for doing NOTHING SPECIAL and who have ten times the confidence for what they are, are the reason I wear sunglasses in airport lounges. You think that anyone who makes eye contact with you is a fan.

You ran across my mind the other day and I was very surprised to see that The Atlantic is still making room for you to chronicle your unremarkable life experience and shocking lack of ambition. Let’s make this clear. You are not a teacher by profession – Your job is incidental to the fact that you have an American passport. You teach English in a foreign country because you have a foreign wife. Yeah, you mentioned for the eleventeen hundredth time that your wife is Finnish. We heard you. You married a Scandinavian person. So did millions of other Scandinavians.

I had stopped reading The Atlantic after seeing your stupid boring nonsense. I found myself back there, reluctantly, after a coming across a halfway decent article while researching a quantum physics topic. Decent writers can’t get anyone to present their work, but here you are, spewing mediocre stream of consciousness swill.

I bet you walk around all day with half a hard-on, thinking you’re famous in the world because your article is on a prestigious website. Your writing and publishing on your own blog bothers me none. However, I think it is a crime for you to be published in The Atlantic. No wonder people are shunning the mainstream media. It’s your brand of semi-conscious swill (“I teach in Finland, uh huh…” – What the actual fuck?!) that drives readers away from these publications.

Let me end this missive with a call to action. Sit there and wonder where your readers went. Lose your motivation to be a pill. Your book, if you’ve sold copies, congrats. But you will get no more sales. The people who bought it – people you forced to do so out of a sense of guilt and obligation because of your pleading, begging, etc – will toss their copies in furnaces at Christmas. Everyone is sick of you. They do NOT want to be lectured, or condescended to by someone who’s got himself a permanent vacation abroad.

Advertisements

Don’t have a degree? Get one!

Don’t have a degree? Buy a diploma online and whip it out when my snobby colleagues come around to browbeat you into submission.

Many of my snobby blogging colleagues pretend that they’re honest and have integrity because they’re not buying followers. Actually, they’re stingy with “likes”, “views” and “follows” because they believe they are better than everyone. They also complain about being incredibly busy, but have time to brag about their degrees.

Well, bragging about fancy degrees and “grad student” status is the same as buying followers. They’re not advertizing degrees to help anyone. Instead of paying cash, they’re using their perceived high status to bribe readers into associating with them. Unfortunately, even if they get lots of follows, people are going to tune out from blog because their posts are long and boring.

CEO starts Breakup Fund NPO

cows

Hello from the swamp. Being a lawyer with a PhD in engineering has many perks. For example, I can think about ideas. One idea is now an NPO and I am the CEO. (I almost forgot to mention my MBA). I call it Breakup Fund NPO. An NPO is a non profit organization. You can use an NPO to help people for free.

You’ve heard that money changes everything…except breakups. Even if you’re a rich girl, you can still become poor in spirit and social status.

I am not one of those “Lean In” jerks who hire hitmen to off their cheating husbands. My system is revolutionary. Grab Him by the Pride™ truly empowers you without the potential felony conviction. It is based on one of the laws in my book, “Glossary and Index: Twelve of the 48 Laws of Power by Dr P M Yeah, MBA, JD, PhD.”

Support the Fund. The following type of donations are kindly accepted – Twitter likes; retweets, blog mentions, outrage, disgust.

Dr P M Yeah, MBA, JD, PhD
CEO, Breakup Fund NPO
Founder and Director, Drain the Swamp Image Services
Author, Glossary and Index: Twelve of the 48 Laws of Power by Dr P M Yeah, MBA, JD, PhD
Recipient, G G Lipo Mammo Award for Excellence

Rent-a-PhD-Friend – “Drain the Swamp” Image Services by Dr P M Yeah, MBA, JD, PhD

cows2

Call me an amazing businesswoman with an MBA and JD (as well as a PhD in engineering) because I have a wonderful offer for all underachievers out there. The idea hit me on Saturday, when I heard a woman in my office boasting about her husband, a postdoc who surgically repairs pet goldfish.

Now, as a smart person, it is my job to help people who aren’t smart enough to get PhDs. That is why I engineered a super original legal business. My business is called “Drain the Swamp Image Services by Dr P M Yeah, MBA, JD, PhD.”

For a monthly subscription fee, you can boast about me. I know you want to, because I’m better than you.

There are five types of subscription.

  1. Classic friend – $9.99/month – Coffee photos and chain letters sent by email.
  2. Friend Deluxe – $35.00/month – Instagram, Twitter and blog follow, likes, and comments.
  3. Business Associate – $165.00/month – Includes 3 free phone calls per quarter.
  4. High Maintenance Side Bitch – $350.00/month – With 5 sexy voicemail messages each month.
  5. Executive Trophy Wife – $5000.00/month – Exclusive for Executive Trophy Wife Customers – 1 hour video chat on Skype each week!!!

The super all-inclusive exclusive Executive Trophy Wife service is for men or women (PhDs don’t practice gender discrimination) who want to brag that they are engaged to someone in the higher echelons but don’t want to get married in real life because they’re stingy, hid money in the Cayman Islands and are now in prison for financial fraud.

Executive Trophy Wife subscribers can brag that I’m their pre-wife, who has a PhD in engineering, you know. They will also receive a package of “Good morning from my bust” photos every day. Buy me an engagement ring and I’ll toss in a free engagement hand photo!

Get in on the action. Payments are by PayPal only. Please share this wonderful opportunity with your friends, colleagues and family members!!! Subscribe now!!!

Dr P M Yeah, MBA, JD, PhD
Founder and CEO Drain the Swamp Image Services
Author, “Glossary and Index – Twelve of the 48 Laws of Power by Dr P M Yeah, MBA, JD, PhD”
Recipient of The G G Lipo Mammo Award for Excellence

“How to do grad school when you have a boyfriend” – You’re wasting money, so drop out!!!

Your man is going to leave you. Mostly because you’re annoying. You talk about “graaad school” all the time, like a primping overprivileged hack.

Look at the awful things happening in the world today. Is this really your problem? Woman, what does your boyfriend have to do with grad school? If you were in grad school for anything other than bragging rights, a man would not factor into the decision. If you disagree, try putting your boyfriend on your resume  and see if it will land you a six figure salary. The f*ck outta here.

As the singer Adele said, “Be happy and don’t be stupid.” You have found time to write some humblebragging post about being in grad school as a way to show off about your boyfriend, which means that he’s next door, right now, polishing off a hot brunette. Peace out and make sure to moisturize. No, it’s too late for you.

Don’t Tell Anyone – Social Media’s Dirty Secret

Don’t tell anyone I told you this but are you wondering how to be a popular blogger? There is one strategy that Twitter and Instagram users use to look popular.

They BUY followers. Even Gizmodo endorses the practise. Have you ever been to a blog with over ten thousand followers but see only 13 or 14 likes per post after a week or a month has passed? Now, check if that blogger has a Twitter or Instagram account. Most of them follow as many as 10,000 accounts. They have the exact same number of followers.

The dirty secret: If you use Publicize to link your Twitter, Facebook and Instagram accounts to your WordPress account, your blog will advertise the total number of followers on all sites. So, if you want to look like a popular blogger on WordPress, all you have to do is open a Twitter account and follow every single account you can get your dirty hands on.

Type “Fiverr buy Twitter followers” into Google and you’ll see something like this, “I will give you 1000 Real Twitter Followers and FREE Tweet to 16000 followers for $5.”

If you’re really clever, purchase followers. There are lots of nice people who sell them. I recommend that you purchase followers from several different vendors and spread them out over the course of three or four weeks. That will make your transition from zero to hero appear natural.

“Yeah, image is everything” – Dr Andre Agassi

large boobs on a book cover
I know you’re too polite to say anything but I have indeed upgraded my image with an eye-popping pair of double Gs. It is important to have the right image. Instead of thinking hard and saying meaningful things, I will get my boobs out and tell people about my degrees to promote my first book, Glossary and Index: Twelve of the 48 Laws of Power by Dr P M Yeah, MBA, JD, PhD. The first 1000 copies of my first book are already sold out! Not to worry, there is a waiting list of 5 months, so please be patient.

large boobs with logo

“Image is Everything”

Observance of the Law
Just today, a woman in my office boasted about her husband, who is a postdoc. They’re both broke and stretched to the limit with the mortgage and two kids. He has to surgically repair their goldfish because they can’t afford new ones. Being a postdoc sounds so prestigious and successful, my coworkers forgot how poor the woman was. This proves that even associating with PhDs will give a person almighty power. Similarly, people will do anything to associate with me because I have an MBA, JD and PhD. By being around me, they can feel smart, intelligent and successful.

Dr P M Yeah, MBA, JD, PhD

Yeah, being posh is hard work

cows2

Being posh is hard work. That is why I have been awarded The G G Lipo Mammo Award for Excellence. I created the G G Lipo Mammo Award of Excellence because there are only two or three successful women in the world. In fact, no-one I meet is as prestigious as I am. As for women in general, I am the only one with MBA, JD and PhD degrees. People can’t wrap their heads around my greatness. Since no-one else is educated, it is only fair that I be the first recipient of this award. Thank you!!

“Yeah can do better, Doctor!”

cows2

by Dr P M Yeah, MBA, JD, PhD

It’s been six days since I got my MBA, JD and PhD degrees. That got me thinking. What can I possibly do to make the world a better place? The answer is that by having MBA, JD and PhD degrees, I am already doing it! But I really want to do more.

That’s why I’m volunteering one Saturday each week to heal sick people at the local hospital. When sick people hear that I am an engineer, a lawyer and a PhD, they’ll forget that they’re sick. They will stop thinking about high medical bills and focus on healing themselves. My degrees can heal these people, because I am enough.

Thank You to My Blog Followers

Hi everyone, I am so sorry that I haven’t posted for a few hours. Anyway, while I was not posting anything, my blog continued to attract as many hits as it does when I post! I’ve also had no comments to catch up with because comments are disabled. I explained why, here.

Followers are the number of bloggers that have actually clicked ‘follow’ or signed up for an email subscription. I have gained one new follower in the last day alone!

I want to say a HUGE ‘Thank You’ to all of you!

Thank you for following, reading, liking and fuming in the privacy of your room. To know that pretentious people continue to be offended by my posts is amazing.

Knowing that what I write really irritates pretentious people is the reason I started this blog. I have regular readers who are probably amused by what I say and I am grateful to all of you, too. Thank you!

Life Changes, by Dr P M Yeah, MBA, JD, PhD

fotorcreated

As a person with a PhD, JD and MBA, I can tell you that life changes will hit you like a brick. This morning, for instance, I ran out of Starbucks immediately after getting my Basic Bitch Pumpkin Spice Latte. Looking around, it seemed that Starbucks lovers can’t appreciate that I’m educated. I am special! Why can’t they SEE that?!

That’s why I’m moving to Instagram. I need to have my morning coffee in front of the right audience. Whenever I post a photo of my coffee, my followers will see that I have a PhD, a JD and an MBA because my camera app will paste my name – Dr P M Yeah, MBA, JD,  PHD on every photo to remind followers that I’m special and better than them. Great solution, yeah? I engineered that – heh, heh, heh.

My brother told me that if I pay $1,000 (half my paycheck for the month) on Fiverr, I’ll get 20,000 Instagram followers. That’s guaranteed InstaFame. That’s why I’m super committed to that strategy.

Life of Pablo, bitches!


Best regards
Dr P M Yeah, MBA, JD, PhD

Dr P M Yeah, MBA, JD, Phd: Day 5

fotorcreated
Hello everyone, as you know, it’s been a hot minute since I got my three degrees. I am a doctor of engineering, an MBA and a doctor of jurisprudence. (Ha! Big word!) Going to a local coffee shop for a Basic Bitch Latte this morning was a challenge, especially because the people waiting in line didn’t know that I am an MBA, a JD and a PhD. Wow! Three degrees is kinda impressive. But, I digress.

To make sure that people were in awe of me, I waved around my name tag that I ordered from Etsy. But the people standing in front of me couldn’t see it. That is when I hit upon a plan B.

I got on my phone and talked very loudly with my voice mail. Here are the questions I asked myself.

  1. Which one of my DEGREES? The JD, the MBA or the PhD?
  2. Where did I get the Jaaay Deee??
  3. Where did I study for the eM Bee Aaaay?
  4. Did I get the Pee aich Dee before the eM Bee Aaaay?
  5. What’s my JOB TITLE now?

As you can imagine, everyone stared at me, open-mouthed. I think they were super impressed. Go, me! Go, me!

Dr P M Yeah, MBA, JD, Phd

 

Grad Students: Boasting about being in grad school is the biggest predictor you will never graduate

If the hashtag for gross incompetence were a group home, grad students squatting on WordPress, instead of doing actual work, would occupy it, 100% of the time.

There is nothing special about getting into or being in graduate school. So, why are you bragging about going into debt to bring revenue to a university? Because you’re not very smart.

Even if you don’t graduate, it doesn’t diminish your school’s ranking. Many elite schools pre-graduate PhD candidates who haven’t completed their theses. They also recommend them for assistant professorships at other universities as a way of saving face. Keep talking about your shiny new Master’s/PhD that does not heal the world.

Other points: If you’re five years into your Master’s, stop. You’re not going to finish. If five years have passed and your dissertation is not being examined right now, go rob a bank and pay back our loan – you have flamed out. If your dissertation is being examined and your degree hasn’t yet been conferred, don’t call yourself “doctor” on your blog.

Cue the excuses and defensive statements.

In conclusion: Grad school squatters are never going to graduate because they’re mediocre, not very diligent, and are focused on the prestige of the degree than they are on the mountains of bills they’ll never be able to pay after they drop out without finishing.

Remember, grad school debt doesn’t go away just because you were too tired and unmotivated, or whatever to finish. Okay?

Thank you my followers

Dear friends (can I say family ),

As I sat down this evening to review notifications, I found some unexpected notifications. This blog’s content has two themes – (i) repeatedly saying “thank you for likes and follows” and (ii) slagging off smug, boastful grad students and bloggers who call themselves “doctor” or use other honorifics to introduce themselves.

Quite a few of the bloggers I’ve been slagging off are now my followers. A big big thank you to all my supporters, followers and likers. Likers will remain anonymous, because I don’t get high off “likes” and I respect your desire to support me discreetly.

I didn’t expect anyone to read, like posts or even follow the satirical content on this blog. I think that you are all incredibly intelligent. I am not surprised that you are. In fact, I am incredibly honored to have you.

Grad School/PhD Bloggers: Even if you are passive aggressively following this blog to indicate that you’re seeing this content, don’t waste your ire. I invited you here, to see what I’m saying about you because you flood my Reader with your irritating, dull, dreary, boring, smug, condescending content while advertising your degrees. If you really are intelligent, why does your blog look like a halfway house?

Your acknowledgment of my statements about your irritating behavior is a wonderful tribute to free speech. No-one is stopping you from being obnoxious. So, if you find the content on this blog irritating or offensive, then you are feeling what many of your readers feel but are too polite to tell you.

THANK YOU ALL FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART.

Doctor of Engineering? Ph(inally) D(one)!

I have a PhD in engineering!!! Actually, that’s my law degree from the University of Miami. My uncle gave me a job in his shipping company last month but he said I could get a promotion if I got a degree.

So, I got three – a PhD in engineering, an MBA and a law degree. They cost about $1,600 total but my uncle said he would fund my education. He gave me an interest free loan, so I’m going to do sixteen monthly payments of $100 to pay him back.

I asked my brother to help me get my degrees and we went shopping on Google and Craigslist. One guy from Miami was really poor after paying $100,000 for his law degree. But he said I could buy this copy and print it out for $700. That was a great deal. After that, my brother said I should buy an MBA, too. He bought me some books on Amazon that tell you what MBA people study at school, so I can sound smart. That set me back only $405! Not bad, because lots of really cool moguls have MBAs.

Now that I’m an attorney, my uncle can make me a company director. Yay, me!!!