Lost in Expatriate Land: To Swill or Not to Swill

This is a comment to an author I will not name, but whose articles have been featured in The Atlantic.  I posted the comment on his blog but like my previous comments, I am sure it will be deleted. Shame on The Atlantic for publishing this shit on their website. This man doesn’t make films, make art, heal the sick or cook food. There is nothing revolutionary happening here. He just writes about twiddling his thumbs in the staff lounge. 

Hello Special American Snowflake. I see that you are still writing about teaching in Finland because you’re, like, the only American to ever step foot on that strange and ancient land. What is it with you people? You get out of bed and sniff your armpit and it’s “WOW, I’m gonnastarta blogaboutarmpits causemine’slikeawesome.” People like you, who expect awards for doing NOTHING SPECIAL and who have ten times the confidence for what they are, are the reason I wear sunglasses in airport lounges. You think that anyone who makes eye contact with you is a fan.

You ran across my mind the other day and I was very surprised to see that The Atlantic is still making room for you to chronicle your unremarkable life experience and shocking lack of ambition. Let’s make this clear. You are not a teacher by profession – Your job is incidental to the fact that you have an American passport. You teach English in a foreign country because you have a foreign wife. Yeah, you mentioned for the eleventeen hundredth time that your wife is Finnish. We heard you. You married a Scandinavian person. So did millions of other Scandinavians.

I had stopped reading The Atlantic after seeing your stupid boring nonsense. I found myself back there, reluctantly, after a coming across a halfway decent article while researching a quantum physics topic. Decent writers can’t get anyone to present their work, but here you are, spewing mediocre stream of consciousness swill.

I bet you walk around all day with half a hard-on, thinking you’re famous in the world because your article is on a prestigious website. Your writing and publishing on your own blog bothers me none. However, I think it is a crime for you to be published in The Atlantic. No wonder people are shunning the mainstream media. It’s your brand of semi-conscious swill (“I teach in Finland, uh huh…” – What the actual fuck?!) that drives readers away from these publications.

Let me end this missive with a call to action. Sit there and wonder where your readers went. Lose your motivation to be a pill. Your book, if you’ve sold copies, congrats. But you will get no more sales. The people who bought it – people you forced to do so out of a sense of guilt and obligation because of your pleading, begging, etc – will toss their copies in furnaces at Christmas. Everyone is sick of you. They do NOT want to be lectured, or condescended to by someone who’s got himself a permanent vacation abroad.

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Follow my BA(ckside), Hon!

 On Sunday, a young woman “followed” me and I couldn’t help but notice the BA (Hons) jammed in the title of her blog. I mean, people are so insecure that their compensatory behavior borders on ridiculous. What am I supposed to do with her BA (Hons)?

I didn’t visit her blog because I understood her message. (1) She’s like, you know, special. (2) She’s the only person in the USA to graduate with a BA, (3) she assumes that her honors degree is impressive and (4) that I or others didn’t get a tertiary education because we didn’t add degree titles in our blog name. How absolutely tiresome. If she comments on my posts, I’ll trash them.

Sadly, she’s not the first person who’s tried this “I have a college degree, bow down,” crap with me. As I’ve said before, if you can’t feed starving children in Aleppo with it, don’t brag.

When I see blog posts going, “Hello, I’m in grad school, look at this statue in the background,” I know that these delusional individuals are really buying into the idea that their degree titles mean something to the average consumer. There’s a saying that dumb people are easier to manipulate and control by those in power..

But don’t take my word for it. Please read this article: “Student Explains Why College Graduates Are So Stupid.”

CEO starts Breakup Fund NPO

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Hello from the swamp. Being a lawyer with a PhD in engineering has many perks. For example, I can think about ideas. One idea is now an NPO and I am the CEO. (I almost forgot to mention my MBA). I call it Breakup Fund NPO. An NPO is a non profit organization. You can use an NPO to help people for free.

You’ve heard that money changes everything…except breakups. Even if you’re a rich girl, you can still become poor in spirit and social status.

I am not one of those “Lean In” jerks who hire hitmen to off their cheating husbands. My system is revolutionary. Grab Him by the Pride™ truly empowers you without the potential felony conviction. It is based on one of the laws in my book, “Glossary and Index: Twelve of the 48 Laws of Power by Dr P M Yeah, MBA, JD, PhD.”

Support the Fund. The following type of donations are kindly accepted – Twitter likes; retweets, blog mentions, outrage, disgust.

Dr P M Yeah, MBA, JD, PhD
CEO, Breakup Fund NPO
Founder and Director, Drain the Swamp Image Services
Author, Glossary and Index: Twelve of the 48 Laws of Power by Dr P M Yeah, MBA, JD, PhD
Recipient, G G Lipo Mammo Award for Excellence

“How to do grad school when you have a boyfriend” – You’re wasting money, so drop out!!!

Your man is going to leave you. Mostly because you’re annoying. You talk about “graaad school” all the time, like a primping overprivileged hack.

Look at the awful things happening in the world today. Is this really your problem? Woman, what does your boyfriend have to do with grad school? If you were in grad school for anything other than bragging rights, a man would not factor into the decision. If you disagree, try putting your boyfriend on your resume  and see if it will land you a six figure salary. The f*ck outta here.

As the singer Adele said, “Be happy and don’t be stupid.” You have found time to write some humblebragging post about being in grad school as a way to show off about your boyfriend, which means that he’s next door, right now, polishing off a hot brunette. Peace out and make sure to moisturize. No, it’s too late for you.

Don’t Tell Anyone – Social Media’s Dirty Secret

Don’t tell anyone I told you this but are you wondering how to be a popular blogger? There is one strategy that Twitter and Instagram users use to look popular.

They BUY followers. Even Gizmodo endorses the practise. Have you ever been to a blog with over ten thousand followers but see only 13 or 14 likes per post after a week or a month has passed? Now, check if that blogger has a Twitter or Instagram account. Most of them follow as many as 10,000 accounts. They have the exact same number of followers.

The dirty secret: If you use Publicize to link your Twitter, Facebook and Instagram accounts to your WordPress account, your blog will advertise the total number of followers on all sites. So, if you want to look like a popular blogger on WordPress, all you have to do is open a Twitter account and follow every single account you can get your dirty hands on.

Type “Fiverr buy Twitter followers” into Google and you’ll see something like this, “I will give you 1000 Real Twitter Followers and FREE Tweet to 16000 followers for $5.”

If you’re really clever, purchase followers. There are lots of nice people who sell them. I recommend that you purchase followers from several different vendors and spread them out over the course of three or four weeks. That will make your transition from zero to hero appear natural.

“Yeah, image is everything” – Dr Andre Agassi

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I know you’re too polite to say anything but I have indeed upgraded my image with an eye-popping pair of double Gs. It is important to have the right image. Instead of thinking hard and saying meaningful things, I will get my boobs out and tell people about my degrees to promote my first book, Glossary and Index: Twelve of the 48 Laws of Power by Dr P M Yeah, MBA, JD, PhD. The first 1000 copies of my first book are already sold out! Not to worry, there is a waiting list of 5 months, so please be patient.

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“Image is Everything”

Observance of the Law
Just today, a woman in my office boasted about her husband, who is a postdoc. They’re both broke and stretched to the limit with the mortgage and two kids. He has to surgically repair their goldfish because they can’t afford new ones. Being a postdoc sounds so prestigious and successful, my coworkers forgot how poor the woman was. This proves that even associating with PhDs will give a person almighty power. Similarly, people will do anything to associate with me because I have an MBA, JD and PhD. By being around me, they can feel smart, intelligent and successful.

Dr P M Yeah, MBA, JD, PhD

Yeah, being posh is hard work

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Being posh is hard work. That is why I have been awarded The G G Lipo Mammo Award for Excellence. I created the G G Lipo Mammo Award of Excellence because there are only two or three successful women in the world. In fact, no-one I meet is as prestigious as I am. As for women in general, I am the only one with MBA, JD and PhD degrees. People can’t wrap their heads around my greatness. Since no-one else is educated, it is only fair that I be the first recipient of this award. Thank you!!

“Yeah can do better, Doctor!”

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by Dr P M Yeah, MBA, JD, PhD

It’s been six days since I got my MBA, JD and PhD degrees. That got me thinking. What can I possibly do to make the world a better place? The answer is that by having MBA, JD and PhD degrees, I am already doing it! But I really want to do more.

That’s why I’m volunteering one Saturday each week to heal sick people at the local hospital. When sick people hear that I am an engineer, a lawyer and a PhD, they’ll forget that they’re sick. They will stop thinking about high medical bills and focus on healing themselves. My degrees can heal these people, because I am enough.

Surely they should join up the other WordPress subscribers?

It’s hard to explain; I have 10,174 WordPress followers, the email followers and an additional 32 WordPress followers – that are coming up in a separate notification.

This is what confuses me. The email followers are separate – I understand this. These other followers are WordPress followers, but for some reason are not connected to my other followers! I’m very confused? Surely they should join the other WordPress subscribers?

HEY! HEY! YOU! YOU! CONNECT ALL OF MY FOLLOWERS NOW!!!!!

Stop saying “Thank You My Followers” and say something meaningful instead

Do you realize that it’s kind of rude to visit someone’s blog to leave a self serving message about how awesome your blog is? Do you know that it’s irritating to see a load of “Thank you to my followers” posts in your Reader at once? Do you realize that if you have only thank you for follows posts in your feed, this may cause people to block or unfollow you?

Yes, actually. It is irritating when people publish meaningless thank you posts on their blogs. When saying thank you becomes self-serving, that is saying it too much. And when using automated badges and stats screengrabs from your stats page to thank readers, that is definitely going overboard.

Do you ever open Reader and see something like this?

Yeah have one 1 new follower

Yay I have 20 posts on my blog

Congrats to me I have 3 likes

Wow I’m awesome I have 5 followers

Thanks to all of you for 50 follows

Have you ever opened notifications to see a string of these comments?

Thanks for following my blog.

Thanks for liking my post.

Thanks for following my blog.

Thanks for liking my post.

Thanks for following my blog.

Thanks for liking my post.

Thanks for the follow.

Thanks for the like!

How to thank new followers –

  1. Visit their blogs. If you don’t want to follow them back, I’m sure they’ll be fine with that. Writing a lame “thanks for the follow” is insulting.
  2. Comment on a post, using more than one word.
  3. Answer their comments if they leave any.
  4. Share something that you find interesting from their blog.

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Rachel Thompson from Bad Redhead Media says, about this issue on Twitter,

My overall thought: when all you do is say THANK YOU FOR THE RT or THANK YOU FOR THE FOLLOW, you are diluting all the hard work you’ve put into creating your branded presence.

Exactly. It brings down the quality of your work. It also seems like you don’t care what anyone else has to say. Ian Anderson Gray has an interesting article entitled, Stop Saying Thank You on Social Media & Say Something Meaningful! I thought I was the only person who found this excessive preening by proxy annoying. However, while preparing this post, a Google search turned up a lot of interesting articles on the subject. They are based on social media feeds clogged with “Thanks for the follow.”

 

Dr P M Yeah, MBA, JD, Phd: Day 5

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Hello everyone, as you know, it’s been a hot minute since I got my three degrees. I am a doctor of engineering, an MBA and a doctor of jurisprudence. (Ha! Big word!) Going to a local coffee shop for a Basic Bitch Latte this morning was a challenge, especially because the people waiting in line didn’t know that I am an MBA, a JD and a PhD. Wow! Three degrees is kinda impressive. But, I digress.

To make sure that people were in awe of me, I waved around my name tag that I ordered from Etsy. But the people standing in front of me couldn’t see it. That is when I hit upon a plan B.

I got on my phone and talked very loudly with my voice mail. Here are the questions I asked myself.

  1. Which one of my DEGREES? The JD, the MBA or the PhD?
  2. Where did I get the Jaaay Deee??
  3. Where did I study for the eM Bee Aaaay?
  4. Did I get the Pee aich Dee before the eM Bee Aaaay?
  5. What’s my JOB TITLE now?

As you can imagine, everyone stared at me, open-mouthed. I think they were super impressed. Go, me! Go, me!

Dr P M Yeah, MBA, JD, Phd

 

Grad Students: Boasting about being in grad school is the biggest predictor you will never graduate

If the hashtag for gross incompetence were a group home, grad students squatting on WordPress, instead of doing actual work, would occupy it, 100% of the time.

There is nothing special about getting into or being in graduate school. So, why are you bragging about going into debt to bring revenue to a university? Because you’re not very smart.

Even if you don’t graduate, it doesn’t diminish your school’s ranking. Many elite schools pre-graduate PhD candidates who haven’t completed their theses. They also recommend them for assistant professorships at other universities as a way of saving face. Keep talking about your shiny new Master’s/PhD that does not heal the world.

Other points: If you’re five years into your Master’s, stop. You’re not going to finish. If five years have passed and your dissertation is not being examined right now, go rob a bank and pay back our loan – you have flamed out. If your dissertation is being examined and your degree hasn’t yet been conferred, don’t call yourself “doctor” on your blog.

Cue the excuses and defensive statements.

In conclusion: Grad school squatters are never going to graduate because they’re mediocre, not very diligent, and are focused on the prestige of the degree than they are on the mountains of bills they’ll never be able to pay after they drop out without finishing.

Remember, grad school debt doesn’t go away just because you were too tired and unmotivated, or whatever to finish. Okay?