Lost in Expatriate Land: To Swill or Not to Swill

This is a comment to an author I will not name, but whose articles have been featured in The Atlantic.  I posted the comment on his blog but like my previous comments, I am sure it will be deleted. Shame on The Atlantic for publishing this shit on their website. This man doesn’t make films, make art, heal the sick or cook food. There is nothing revolutionary happening here. He just writes about twiddling his thumbs in the staff lounge. 

Hello Special American Snowflake. I see that you are still writing about teaching in Finland because you’re, like, the only American to ever step foot on that strange and ancient land. What is it with you people? You get out of bed and sniff your armpit and it’s “WOW, I’m gonnastarta blogaboutarmpits causemine’slikeawesome.” People like you, who expect awards for doing NOTHING SPECIAL and who have ten times the confidence for what they are, are the reason I wear sunglasses in airport lounges. You think that anyone who makes eye contact with you is a fan.

You ran across my mind the other day and I was very surprised to see that The Atlantic is still making room for you to chronicle your unremarkable life experience and shocking lack of ambition. Let’s make this clear. You are not a teacher by profession – Your job is incidental to the fact that you have an American passport. You teach English in a foreign country because you have a foreign wife. Yeah, you mentioned for the eleventeen hundredth time that your wife is Finnish. We heard you. You married a Scandinavian person. So did millions of other Scandinavians.

I had stopped reading The Atlantic after seeing your stupid boring nonsense. I found myself back there, reluctantly, after a coming across a halfway decent article while researching a quantum physics topic. Decent writers can’t get anyone to present their work, but here you are, spewing mediocre stream of consciousness swill.

I bet you walk around all day with half a hard-on, thinking you’re famous in the world because your article is on a prestigious website. Your writing and publishing on your own blog bothers me none. However, I think it is a crime for you to be published in The Atlantic. No wonder people are shunning the mainstream media. It’s your brand of semi-conscious swill (“I teach in Finland, uh huh…” – What the actual fuck?!) that drives readers away from these publications.

Let me end this missive with a call to action. Sit there and wonder where your readers went. Lose your motivation to be a pill. Your book, if you’ve sold copies, congrats. But you will get no more sales. The people who bought it – people you forced to do so out of a sense of guilt and obligation because of your pleading, begging, etc – will toss their copies in furnaces at Christmas. Everyone is sick of you. They do NOT want to be lectured, or condescended to by someone who’s got himself a permanent vacation abroad.

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Follow my BA(ckside), Hon!

 On Sunday, a young woman “followed” me and I couldn’t help but notice the BA (Hons) jammed in the title of her blog. I mean, people are so insecure that their compensatory behavior borders on ridiculous. What am I supposed to do with her BA (Hons)?

I didn’t visit her blog because I understood her message. (1) She’s like, you know, special. (2) She’s the only person in the USA to graduate with a BA, (3) she assumes that her honors degree is impressive and (4) that I or others didn’t get a tertiary education because we didn’t add degree titles in our blog name. How absolutely tiresome. If she comments on my posts, I’ll trash them.

Sadly, she’s not the first person who’s tried this “I have a college degree, bow down,” crap with me. As I’ve said before, if you can’t feed starving children in Aleppo with it, don’t brag.

When I see blog posts going, “Hello, I’m in grad school, look at this statue in the background,” I know that these delusional individuals are really buying into the idea that their degree titles mean something to the average consumer. There’s a saying that dumb people are easier to manipulate and control by those in power..

But don’t take my word for it. Please read this article: “Student Explains Why College Graduates Are So Stupid.”

Don’t have a degree? Get one!

Don’t have a degree? Buy a diploma online and whip it out when my snobby colleagues come around to browbeat you into submission.

Many of my snobby blogging colleagues pretend that they’re honest and have integrity because they’re not buying followers. Actually, they’re stingy with “likes”, “views” and “follows” because they believe they are better than everyone. They also complain about being incredibly busy, but have time to brag about their degrees.

Well, bragging about fancy degrees and “grad student” status is the same as buying followers. They’re not advertizing degrees to help anyone. Instead of paying cash, they’re using their perceived high status to bribe readers into associating with them. Unfortunately, even if they get lots of follows, people are going to tune out from blog because their posts are long and boring.

CEO starts Breakup Fund NPO

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Hello from the swamp. Being a lawyer with a PhD in engineering has many perks. For example, I can think about ideas. One idea is now an NPO and I am the CEO. (I almost forgot to mention my MBA). I call it Breakup Fund NPO. An NPO is a non profit organization. You can use an NPO to help people for free.

You’ve heard that money changes everything…except breakups. Even if you’re a rich girl, you can still become poor in spirit and social status.

I am not one of those “Lean In” jerks who hire hitmen to off their cheating husbands. My system is revolutionary. Grab Him by the Pride™ truly empowers you without the potential felony conviction. It is based on one of the laws in my book, “Glossary and Index: Twelve of the 48 Laws of Power by Dr P M Yeah, MBA, JD, PhD.”

Support the Fund. The following type of donations are kindly accepted – Twitter likes; retweets, blog mentions, outrage, disgust.

Dr P M Yeah, MBA, JD, PhD
CEO, Breakup Fund NPO
Founder and Director, Drain the Swamp Image Services
Author, Glossary and Index: Twelve of the 48 Laws of Power by Dr P M Yeah, MBA, JD, PhD
Recipient, G G Lipo Mammo Award for Excellence

Rent-a-PhD-Friend – “Drain the Swamp” Image Services by Dr P M Yeah, MBA, JD, PhD

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Call me an amazing businesswoman with an MBA and JD (as well as a PhD in engineering) because I have a wonderful offer for all underachievers out there. The idea hit me on Saturday, when I heard a woman in my office boasting about her husband, a postdoc who surgically repairs pet goldfish.

Now, as a smart person, it is my job to help people who aren’t smart enough to get PhDs. That is why I engineered a super original legal business. My business is called “Drain the Swamp Image Services by Dr P M Yeah, MBA, JD, PhD.”

For a monthly subscription fee, you can boast about me. I know you want to, because I’m better than you.

There are five types of subscription.

  1. Classic friend – $9.99/month – Coffee photos and chain letters sent by email.
  2. Friend Deluxe – $35.00/month – Instagram, Twitter and blog follow, likes, and comments.
  3. Business Associate – $165.00/month – Includes 3 free phone calls per quarter.
  4. High Maintenance Side Bitch – $350.00/month – With 5 sexy voicemail messages each month.
  5. Executive Trophy Wife – $5000.00/month – Exclusive for Executive Trophy Wife Customers – 1 hour video chat on Skype each week!!!

The super all-inclusive exclusive Executive Trophy Wife service is for men or women (PhDs don’t practice gender discrimination) who want to brag that they are engaged to someone in the higher echelons but don’t want to get married in real life because they’re stingy, hid money in the Cayman Islands and are now in prison for financial fraud.

Executive Trophy Wife subscribers can brag that I’m their pre-wife, who has a PhD in engineering, you know. They will also receive a package of “Good morning from my bust” photos every day. Buy me an engagement ring and I’ll toss in a free engagement hand photo!

Get in on the action. Payments are by PayPal only. Please share this wonderful opportunity with your friends, colleagues and family members!!! Subscribe now!!!

Dr P M Yeah, MBA, JD, PhD
Founder and CEO Drain the Swamp Image Services
Author, “Glossary and Index – Twelve of the 48 Laws of Power by Dr P M Yeah, MBA, JD, PhD”
Recipient of The G G Lipo Mammo Award for Excellence

“How to do grad school when you have a boyfriend” – You’re wasting money, so drop out!!!

Your man is going to leave you. Mostly because you’re annoying. You talk about “graaad school” all the time, like a primping overprivileged hack.

Look at the awful things happening in the world today. Is this really your problem? Woman, what does your boyfriend have to do with grad school? If you were in grad school for anything other than bragging rights, a man would not factor into the decision. If you disagree, try putting your boyfriend on your resume  and see if it will land you a six figure salary. The f*ck outta here.

As the singer Adele said, “Be happy and don’t be stupid.” You have found time to write some humblebragging post about being in grad school as a way to show off about your boyfriend, which means that he’s next door, right now, polishing off a hot brunette. Peace out and make sure to moisturize. No, it’s too late for you.

Don’t Tell Anyone – Social Media’s Dirty Secret

Don’t tell anyone I told you this but are you wondering how to be a popular blogger? There is one strategy that Twitter and Instagram users use to look popular.

They BUY followers. Even Gizmodo endorses the practise. Have you ever been to a blog with over ten thousand followers but see only 13 or 14 likes per post after a week or a month has passed? Now, check if that blogger has a Twitter or Instagram account. Most of them follow as many as 10,000 accounts. They have the exact same number of followers.

The dirty secret: If you use Publicize to link your Twitter, Facebook and Instagram accounts to your WordPress account, your blog will advertise the total number of followers on all sites. So, if you want to look like a popular blogger on WordPress, all you have to do is open a Twitter account and follow every single account you can get your dirty hands on.

Type “Fiverr buy Twitter followers” into Google and you’ll see something like this, “I will give you 1000 Real Twitter Followers and FREE Tweet to 16000 followers for $5.”

If you’re really clever, purchase followers. There are lots of nice people who sell them. I recommend that you purchase followers from several different vendors and spread them out over the course of three or four weeks. That will make your transition from zero to hero appear natural.

“Yeah, image is everything” – Dr Andre Agassi

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I know you’re too polite to say anything but I have indeed upgraded my image with an eye-popping pair of double Gs. It is important to have the right image. Instead of thinking hard and saying meaningful things, I will get my boobs out and tell people about my degrees to promote my first book, Glossary and Index: Twelve of the 48 Laws of Power by Dr P M Yeah, MBA, JD, PhD. The first 1000 copies of my first book are already sold out! Not to worry, there is a waiting list of 5 months, so please be patient.

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“Image is Everything”

Observance of the Law
Just today, a woman in my office boasted about her husband, who is a postdoc. They’re both broke and stretched to the limit with the mortgage and two kids. He has to surgically repair their goldfish because they can’t afford new ones. Being a postdoc sounds so prestigious and successful, my coworkers forgot how poor the woman was. This proves that even associating with PhDs will give a person almighty power. Similarly, people will do anything to associate with me because I have an MBA, JD and PhD. By being around me, they can feel smart, intelligent and successful.

Dr P M Yeah, MBA, JD, PhD

Yeah, being posh is hard work

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Being posh is hard work. That is why I have been awarded The G G Lipo Mammo Award for Excellence. I created the G G Lipo Mammo Award of Excellence because there are only two or three successful women in the world. In fact, no-one I meet is as prestigious as I am. As for women in general, I am the only one with MBA, JD and PhD degrees. People can’t wrap their heads around my greatness. Since no-one else is educated, it is only fair that I be the first recipient of this award. Thank you!!

“Yeah can do better, Doctor!”

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by Dr P M Yeah, MBA, JD, PhD

It’s been six days since I got my MBA, JD and PhD degrees. That got me thinking. What can I possibly do to make the world a better place? The answer is that by having MBA, JD and PhD degrees, I am already doing it! But I really want to do more.

That’s why I’m volunteering one Saturday each week to heal sick people at the local hospital. When sick people hear that I am an engineer, a lawyer and a PhD, they’ll forget that they’re sick. They will stop thinking about high medical bills and focus on healing themselves. My degrees can heal these people, because I am enough.

“Professor Dr. Paperview” – New Book by Dr P M Yeah, MBA, JD, PhD

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Hello everyone, again. It’s great having a delicious microwave dinner with my family who insisted on talking about my five-page book with my chest on the cover to distract everyone from the plagiarized content and people who have lucrative degrees, for example, an MBA, a JD and a PhD.

Wait a minute, I have those degrees! It’s important, when I spend time with my family, to get away from all of that talk of successful degrees and simply be myself.

Anyway, we talked about what it was like to have friends, now that I’m a published author. I am better than they are because I have a book out. In case you were blinded by my double Gs, the title is Glossary and Index: Twelve of the 48 Laws of Power. It’s $1.00 per copy so if I spend $1000 on copies every month for the next six paychecks, I’ll achieve bestselling glory by March, 2017!!

Everyone says I am better than everyone because I have an MBA, a JD and a PhD. Listen, I try to set a good example. For example, I try to be influential like Dr Nelson Mandela, who said, “Ain’t no mountain high enough, ain’t no river wide enough to keep me from getting to you.”

That Nelson Mandela, he’s a cool cat.

P.S. My book was well researched using the most important research resource invented – The Internet. Best regards,  Dr P M Yeah, MBA, JD, PhD

 

Thank You to My Blog Followers

Hi everyone, I am so sorry that I haven’t posted for a few hours. Anyway, while I was not posting anything, my blog continued to attract as many hits as it does when I post! I’ve also had no comments to catch up with because comments are disabled. I explained why, here.

Followers are the number of bloggers that have actually clicked ‘follow’ or signed up for an email subscription. I have gained one new follower in the last day alone!

I want to say a HUGE ‘Thank You’ to all of you!

Thank you for following, reading, liking and fuming in the privacy of your room. To know that pretentious people continue to be offended by my posts is amazing.

Knowing that what I write really irritates pretentious people is the reason I started this blog. I have regular readers who are probably amused by what I say and I am grateful to all of you, too. Thank you!

Be ambitious – not thirsty

Wanna be famous? Offer value to your readers. That’s ambition. Pardon the expression, but it occurs to me why a “bunch of wannabes” are here publishing boring posts in order to rub their fancy credentials in our faces, day after day. They all thirst to be famous. I have no issues with that. Have at it.

If you have nothing else to say, no-one is going to land on a blog that exists only to advertise the master’s and PhDs for the 11 millionteenth time and say, here, “We’ll give you a break.”

Bloggers who have gone viral have said something that people connect with from the heart. People don’t care how many degrees you have. Your PhD won’t cure breast cancer and your postdoc grant doesn’t help people on welfare. You can’t feed a child with a Master’s.

People care about how they feel. They want to feel okay about life as it is. They want to feel good about themselves. Your degree boasting is saying to people, in a subtle way, “Hello reader, you didn’t make the most of what life gave to you; your opinion has no value and you’re a sore underachiever.”

The mainstream media is only interested in reporting trends on social media. If a post goes viral, you’ll get an interview and soon will arrive the book and endorsement deals. Because these companies want money. Money comes after millions of eyeballs hit their sites. Journalists, editors, assistants and pool boys have to be paid. That is the bottom line. Mortgages don’t get paid while you’re grinning from ear to ear about being a “doctor.”

If you all you say, every post is literally, “I am in grad school” or “I graduated with a Masters/PhD and I made toast this morning,” don’t be surprised that no-one cares to read your blog.

Life Changes, by Dr P M Yeah, MBA, JD, PhD

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As a person with a PhD, JD and MBA, I can tell you that life changes will hit you like a brick. This morning, for instance, I ran out of Starbucks immediately after getting my Basic Bitch Pumpkin Spice Latte. Looking around, it seemed that Starbucks lovers can’t appreciate that I’m educated. I am special! Why can’t they SEE that?!

That’s why I’m moving to Instagram. I need to have my morning coffee in front of the right audience. Whenever I post a photo of my coffee, my followers will see that I have a PhD, a JD and an MBA because my camera app will paste my name – Dr P M Yeah, MBA, JD,  PHD on every photo to remind followers that I’m special and better than them. Great solution, yeah? I engineered that – heh, heh, heh.

My brother told me that if I pay $1,000 (half my paycheck for the month) on Fiverr, I’ll get 20,000 Instagram followers. That’s guaranteed InstaFame. That’s why I’m super committed to that strategy.

Life of Pablo, bitches!


Best regards
Dr P M Yeah, MBA, JD, PhD

Dr P M Yeah, MBA, JD, Phd: Day 5

fotorcreated
Hello everyone, as you know, it’s been a hot minute since I got my three degrees. I am a doctor of engineering, an MBA and a doctor of jurisprudence. (Ha! Big word!) Going to a local coffee shop for a Basic Bitch Latte this morning was a challenge, especially because the people waiting in line didn’t know that I am an MBA, a JD and a PhD. Wow! Three degrees is kinda impressive. But, I digress.

To make sure that people were in awe of me, I waved around my name tag that I ordered from Etsy. But the people standing in front of me couldn’t see it. That is when I hit upon a plan B.

I got on my phone and talked very loudly with my voice mail. Here are the questions I asked myself.

  1. Which one of my DEGREES? The JD, the MBA or the PhD?
  2. Where did I get the Jaaay Deee??
  3. Where did I study for the eM Bee Aaaay?
  4. Did I get the Pee aich Dee before the eM Bee Aaaay?
  5. What’s my JOB TITLE now?

As you can imagine, everyone stared at me, open-mouthed. I think they were super impressed. Go, me! Go, me!

Dr P M Yeah, MBA, JD, Phd